Monday, January 26, 2009

The 4th Annual Golden Gallo Awards

I can’t believe it’s already the 4th Annual Golden Gallo Awards. It seems like only yesterday I was making up my own awards due to sheer lack of boredom. Ah, how far I’ve come in four quick years. In honor of the Oscars which award the best in motion pictures and the Razzies which honor the worst in motion pictures, I give you the Golden Gallos which represent everything in between. Enjoy.


Best Performance by a Scientologist: Tom Cruise, TROPIC THUNDER
Most Depressing Domestic Quarrel: REVOLUTIONARY ROAD

The “What the Heck Were They Thinking” Award: MEET THE SPARTANS

Best Opening Credit Sequence: BURN AFTER READING

Best Closing Credit Sequence: SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

Best Misleading Marketing Campaign: FUNNY GAMES
Film Least Deserving of an Award, Even a Golden Gallo: SUPERHERO MOVIE
Best Blackface Performance: Robert Downey Jr., TROPIC THUNDER

Scene Stealer Award: Kathryn Hahn, STEP BROTHERS

The Audrey II Killer Plant Award: THE RUINS
Movie Most Likely to Cause Nightmares (in a good way): THE STRANGERS

Movie Most Likely to Cause Nightmares (in a bad way): THE LOVE GURU

The Trailer is Better Than the Movie Award: EAGLE EYE
Most Obnoxious Child Performance (female): Catinca Untaru, THE FALL
Most Obnoxious Child Performance (male): Brandon Walters, AUSTRALIA

Most Gratuitous Use of Bathing Suits: FOOL’S GOLD

Best Cameo by a Former Cast Member of “Adventures in Babysitting:” Elizabeth Shue, HAMLET 2

Best Film Most Likely to be Forgotten by the Academy: GRAN TORINO

The “Or How I Learned to Love a Bomb” Guilty Pleasure Award: THE HAPPENING

The Grease 2 Unnecessary Sequel Award: STEP UP 2 THE STREETS

If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It Award: THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

The Jaws 3D “I Only Wanted To See It Cause it Was in 3-D” Award: JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH

Coolest Movie Poster Award: THE DARK KNIGHT

Best Cameo by Human Feces: ZACK & MIRI MAKE A PORNO
Second Best Cameo by Human Feces: SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

The Don’t You Forget About Me “This Came Out This Year??” Award: CLOVERFIELD

The Ishtar Big-Budget Stinker Award: SPEED RACER
Best Film with a Cast Member of TV’s ‘Lost:’ THE DARK KNIGHT

Worst Film with a Cast Member of TV’s ‘Lost:’ SPEED RACER

Best Prop: The Joker’s pencil in THE DARK KNIGHT
Film Most Likely to Cause a Seizure: SPEED RACER

Worst Hairdo (Male) Emile Hirsch, MILK

Worst Hairdo (Female) Allison Pill, MILK
Best Use of the McGuffin in a Hollywood Blockbuster – The crystal skull in INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

Best Gun Shot to the Head in a Musical or Comedy – BURN AFTER READING

Best Excuse to Join the NRA - WANTED

Best Comeback From a Previously Horrid Attempt at Filmmaking – Kevin Smith, ZACK & MIRI MAKE A PORNO


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