Friday, January 17, 2014

The 9th Annual Golden Gallo Awards

Now that the Razzies and Oscars have had their say, it's time for a different celebration of the films that was the year 2013. Here are the winner's of the 9th annual Golden Gallo Awards. Enjoy.

 Best Performance by a Scientologist: Tom Cruise, OBLIVION

Best Selfie Fight: Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise, OBLIVION

The “What the Heck Were They Thinking” Award: MOVIE 43


Best Film with a Cast Member of TV’s ‘Lost:’ IRON MAN 3

Worst Attempt to Start a Franchise: ENDER’S GAME

Worst Revamping of a Dying Franchise: SCARY MOVIE 5

Best Opening Title Sequence: OZ THE GREAT & POWERFUL


Best Closing Credit Sequence: IRON MAN 3

Best Cameo: Channing Tatum, THIS IS THE END 

Best Film Title as Unintentional Tribute to “Arrested Development”: HER (who?)

 The “Wear a Rubber” Best Makeup Award: JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA

The “WTF? I-Had-To-Turn-It-Off” Award: SPRING BREAKERS

Worst Futuristic Fashion Trend: high-waist pants, HER


Best Futuristic Fashion Trend: nerd chic, PACIFIC RIM


Film Least Deserving of an Award, Even a Golden Gallo: A HAUNTED HOUSE

Scene Stealer Award: Jennifer Lawrence, AMERICAN HUSTLE

Best Use of a Blender as a Weapon: YOU’RE NEXT

Best Supporting Teeth: Jonah Hill, THE WOLF OF WALL STREET  


The Jaws 3D “I Only Wanted to See It Cause it Was in 3-D” Award: TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D

The “I Was in Every Single Movie Made This Year” Overachiever Award:
Benedict Cumberbatch

Best Chemistry: Joaquin Phoenix and Scarlett Johansson, HER

Worst Chemistry: Charlie Hunnam and Rinko Kikuchi, PACIFIC RIM


The Trailer is Better than the Movie Award: MAN OF STEEL (don't believe me?)

Movie Most Likely to Cause Nightmares (in a good way): THE CONJURING

The Slumdog Millionaire Why-Don’t-I-Like-This-Movie? Award: WORLD WAR Z

The Ishtar Big-Budget Stinker Award: WHITE HOUSE DOWN


Most Gratuitous Use of Bathing Suits: SPRING BREAKERS

Best Film Most Likely to be Forgotten by the Academy: RUSH

Most Insulting Tribute to the Horror Genre: MAMA

Least Insulting Tribute to the Horror Genre: YOU'RE NEXT

The “Or How I Learned to Love a Bomb” Guilty Pleasure Award: OLDBOY

The Grease 2 Unnecessary Sequel Award: A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD


The Come on People It’s Not That Bad Award: THE LONE RANGER

The Don’t You Forget About Me “This Came Out This Year??” Award: WARM BODIES

Coolest Movie Poster Award: YOU’RE NEXT


Best Prop: Annabelle the Doll, THE CONJURING

Best Unintentional Tribute to the Videogame “Portal”: THOR: THE DARK WORLD

Worst Hairdo: Christian Bale, AMERICAN HUSTLE


Worst Hardo (Female): Jodie Foster, ELYSIUM

Best Reason Not to Go to Sea World: BLACKFISH

Best Complete Mental Breakdown in a Drama: Cate Blanchett, BLUE JASMINE

Best Comeback from a Previously Horrid Attempt at Filmmaking: Ron Howard, RUSH