Friday, February 03, 2012

The 7th Annual Golden Gallo Awards

Who doesn’t love awards? Well at least one person doesn’t: Woody Allen. To quote him from “Annie Hall:” “What's with all these awards? They're always giving out awards. Best Fascist Dictator: Adolf Hitler.” I on the other hand love awards. So it was only a matter of time I came up with my own useless movie awards. Now in it’s 7th year I present the recipients of the 7th Annual Golden Gallo Awards. Congratulations to all the “winners.”

Best Performance by
a Scientologist in a Supporting Role: Jenna Elfman, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Most Pretentious Domestic Quarrel: THE TREE OF LIFE

The “What the Heck Were They Thinking” Award: JACK & JILL

Best Gun Shot to the Head in a Superhero Film: SUPER

Best Film with a Cast Member of TV’s ‘Lost:’ REAL STEEL

Worst Film with a Cast Member of TV’s ‘Lost:’ BATTLE: LOS ANGELES

Best Revamping of a Dying Franchise: SCREAM 4

Best Ending to a Seemingly Endless Franchise: FINAL DESTINATION 5

Best Opening Title Sequence: THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO

Best Closing Credit Sequence: BRIDESMAIDS

The “Wear a Rubber” Best Makeup Award: THE IRON LADY

The “Wear a Rubber” Worst Makeup Award: J. EDGAR

Best Supporting Dog: Uggie, THE ARTIST

Best Supporting Dong: Michael Fassbender Jr., SHAME

Film Least Deserving of an Award, Even a Golden Gallo: TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Scene Stealer Award: Lucy Punch, BAD TEACHER

The Jaws 3D “I Only Wanted to See It Cause it Was in 3-D” Award: A VERY HAROLD & KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS

The “I Was in Every Single Movie Made This Year” Overachiever Award: Jessica Chastain

Best Chemistry: Justin Timberlake & Mila Kunis, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Worst Chemistry: Leonardo DiCaprio & Armie Hammer, J. EDGAR

The Trailer is Better than the Movie Award: BATTLE LOS ANGELES

Movie Most Likely to Cause Nightmares (in a good way): INSIDIOUS

The Slumdog Millionaire Why-Don’t-I-Like-This-Movie? Award: MIDNIGHT IN PARIS

Best Complete Mental Breakdown in a Comedy or Musical: Kristen Wiig, BRIDESMAIDS

Coolest Threads: Ryan Gosling, DRIVE

The Ishtar Big-Budget Stinker Award: GREEN LANTERN

Least Obnoxious Child Performance: Asa Butterfield, HUGO

Most Obnoxious Child Performance: Thomas Horn, EXTREMELY LOUD & INCREDIBLY CLOSE

Most Gratuitous Use of Bathing Suits: SHARK NIGHT 3D

Best Film Most Likely to be Forgotten by the Academy: 50/50

The “Or How I Learned to Love a Bomb” Guilty Pleasure Award: COWBOYS & ALIENS

The Grease 2 Unnecessary Sequel Award: CARS 2

Best Performance By a Human Centipede: Ashlynn Yennie and eleven others, THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2: FULL SEQUENCE

The Come on People It’s Not That Bad Award: FOOTLOOSE

Best Use of a Fork as a Weapon: DRIVE

The Don’t You Forget About Me “This Came Out This Year??” Award: SOURCE CODE

Coolest Movie Poster Award: THE IDES OF MARCH

Best Prop: Minny’s shit pie, THE HELP

Worst Prop: Oskar’s tambourine in EXTREMELY LOUD & INCREDIBLY CLOSE

Best Projectile Vomiting: Kate Winslet, CARNAGE

Film Most Likely to Cause Projectile Vomiting: THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2: FULL SEQUENCE

Worst Hairdo: Peter Sarsgaard, GREEN LANTERN

Best Reason Not to Go to Asia: CONTAGION

Best Comeback from a Previously Horrid Attempt at Filmmaking: Wes Craven, SCREAM 4

The “I Did Everything for this Movie” Award: George Clooney, THE IDES OF MARCH


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