Saturday, February 23, 2013

The 8th Annual Golden Gallo Awards

In honor of tomorrow's Academy Awards, it's time to reveal my own pointless movie awards. Congratulations to all the winners!

Best Performance by a Scientologist in a Musical or Comedy: Tom Cruise, ROCK OF AGES

Best Fight with a Teddy Bear in a Musical or Comedy: TED

The “What the Heck Were They Thinking” Award: THAT’S MY BOY

Best Film with a Cast Member of TV’s ‘Lost:’ THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

Worst Film with a Cast Member of TV’s ‘Lost:’ WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING

Best Revamping of a Dying Franchise: THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN

Best Ending to a Seemingly Endless Franchise: THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

Best Opening Title Sequence: SKYFALL

Best Closing Credit Sequence: 21 JUMP STREET

Best Reason Not to Work in the Fast Food Industry: COMPLIANCE

The “Wear a Rubber” Best Makeup Award: HITCHCOCK

The “Wear a Rubber” Worst Makeup Award: PROMETHEUS

Film Least Deserving of an Award, Even a Golden Gallo: PIRANHA 3DD

Scene Stealer Award: Anne Hathaway, THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

The Jaws 3D “I Only Wanted to See It Cause it Was in 3-D” Award: BAIT 3D

The “I Was in Every Single Movie Made This Year” Overachiever Award: CHANNING TATUM

Best Chemistry: Channing Tatum & Jonah Hill, 21 JUMP STREET

Worst Chemistry: Daniel Day-Lewis & Sally Field: LINCOLN

The Trailer is Better than the Movie Award: PREMIUM RUSH

Movie Most Likely to Cause Nightmares (in a good way): SINISTER

The Slumdog Millionaire Why-Don’t-I-Like-This-Movie? Award: THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

Best Use of the MacGuffin in a Bike Messenger Thriller: PREMIUM RUSH

The Ishtar Big-Budget Stinker Award: JOHN CARTER

Most Gratuitous Use of Bathing Suits: PIRANHA 3DD

Best Film Most Likely to be Forgotten by the Academy: LOOPER

Most Insulting Tribute to the Horror Genre: THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

Least Insulting Tribute to the Horror Genre: PARANORMAN

The “Or How I Learned to Love a Bomb” Guilty Pleasure Award: ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER

The Grease 2 Unnecessary Sequel Award: MEN IN BLACK 3

The Come on People It’s Not That Bad Award: DARK SHADOWS

If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It Award: TOTAL RECALL

The Don’t You Forget About Me “This Came Out This Year??” Award: THE HUNGER GAMES

Coolest Movie Poster Award: LOOPER

Best Prop: The fried chicken drumstick, KILLER JOE

Worst Hairdo: Tommy Lee Jones, LINCOLN

Best Reason Not to Go to Thailand:  THE IMPOSSIBLE

Best Reason Not to Get Old: AMOUR

Best Attempt to Win an Oscar by Playing a Stripper: Matthew McConaughey, MAGIC MIKE

Best Comeback from a Previously Horrid Attempt at Filmmaking: Ridley Scott, PROMETHEUS


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