The 8th Annual Golden Gallo Awards

In honor of tomorrow's Academy Awards, it's time to reveal my own pointless movie awards. Congratulations to all the winners!

Best Performance by a Scientologist in a Musical or Comedy: Tom Cruise, ROCK OF AGES

Best Fight with a Teddy Bear in a Musical or Comedy: TED
 
The “What the Heck Were They Thinking” Award: THAT’S MY BOY
 
Best Film with a Cast Member of TV’s ‘Lost:’ THE DARK KNIGHT RISES
 
Worst Film with a Cast Member of TV’s ‘Lost:’ WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING
 
Best Revamping of a Dying Franchise: THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
 
Best Ending to a Seemingly Endless Franchise: THE DARK KNIGHT RISES
 
Best Opening Title Sequence: SKYFALL
 
Best Closing Credit Sequence: 21 JUMP STREET

Best Reason Not to Work in the Fast Food Industry: COMPLIANCE
 
The “Wear a Rubber” Best Makeup Award: HITCHCOCK
 
The “Wear a Rubber” Worst Makeup Award: PROMETHEUS
 
Film Least Deserving of an Award, Even a Golden Gallo: PIRANHA 3DD

Scene Stealer Award: Anne Hathaway, THE DARK KNIGHT RISES
 
The Jaws 3D “I Only Wanted to See It Cause it Was in 3-D” Award: BAIT 3D
 
The “I Was in Every Single Movie Made This Year” Overachiever Award: CHANNING TATUM

Best Chemistry: Channing Tatum & Jonah Hill, 21 JUMP STREET
 
Worst Chemistry: Daniel Day-Lewis & Sally Field: LINCOLN
 
The Trailer is Better than the Movie Award: PREMIUM RUSH

Movie Most Likely to Cause Nightmares (in a good way): SINISTER
 
The Slumdog Millionaire Why-Don’t-I-Like-This-Movie? Award: THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

Best Use of the MacGuffin in a Bike Messenger Thriller: PREMIUM RUSH
 
The Ishtar Big-Budget Stinker Award: JOHN CARTER
 
Most Gratuitous Use of Bathing Suits: PIRANHA 3DD
 
Best Film Most Likely to be Forgotten by the Academy: LOOPER

Most Insulting Tribute to the Horror Genre: THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

Least Insulting Tribute to the Horror Genre: PARANORMAN
 
The “Or How I Learned to Love a Bomb” Guilty Pleasure Award: ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER
 
The Grease 2 Unnecessary Sequel Award: MEN IN BLACK 3

The Come on People It’s Not That Bad Award: DARK SHADOWS

If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It Award: TOTAL RECALL

The Don’t You Forget About Me “This Came Out This Year??” Award: THE HUNGER GAMES

Coolest Movie Poster Award: LOOPER
 
Best Prop: The fried chicken drumstick, KILLER JOE
 
Worst Hairdo: Tommy Lee Jones, LINCOLN
 
Best Reason Not to Go to Thailand:  THE IMPOSSIBLE

Best Reason Not to Get Old: AMOUR

Best Attempt to Win an Oscar by Playing a Stripper: Matthew McConaughey, MAGIC MIKE

Best Comeback from a Previously Horrid Attempt at Filmmaking: Ridley Scott, PROMETHEUS