Saturday, February 23, 2013

The 8th Annual Golden Gallo Awards

In honor of tomorrow's Academy Awards, it's time to reveal my own pointless movie awards. Congratulations to all the winners!



Best Performance by a Scientologist in a Musical or Comedy: Tom Cruise, ROCK OF AGES

Best Fight with a Teddy Bear in a Musical or Comedy: TED
 

The “What the Heck Were They Thinking” Award: THAT’S MY BOY
 

Best Film with a Cast Member of TV’s ‘Lost:’ THE DARK KNIGHT RISES
 

Worst Film with a Cast Member of TV’s ‘Lost:’ WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING
 

Best Revamping of a Dying Franchise: THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
 

Best Ending to a Seemingly Endless Franchise: THE DARK KNIGHT RISES
 

Best Opening Title Sequence: SKYFALL
 

Best Closing Credit Sequence: 21 JUMP STREET

Best Reason Not to Work in the Fast Food Industry: COMPLIANCE
 

The “Wear a Rubber” Best Makeup Award: HITCHCOCK
 

The “Wear a Rubber” Worst Makeup Award: PROMETHEUS
 

Film Least Deserving of an Award, Even a Golden Gallo: PIRANHA 3DD

Scene Stealer Award: Anne Hathaway, THE DARK KNIGHT RISES
 

The Jaws 3D “I Only Wanted to See It Cause it Was in 3-D” Award: BAIT 3D
 

The “I Was in Every Single Movie Made This Year” Overachiever Award: CHANNING TATUM

Best Chemistry: Channing Tatum & Jonah Hill, 21 JUMP STREET
 

Worst Chemistry: Daniel Day-Lewis & Sally Field: LINCOLN
 

The Trailer is Better than the Movie Award: PREMIUM RUSH

Movie Most Likely to Cause Nightmares (in a good way): SINISTER
 

The Slumdog Millionaire Why-Don’t-I-Like-This-Movie? Award: THE CABIN IN THE WOODS



Best Use of the MacGuffin in a Bike Messenger Thriller: PREMIUM RUSH
 

The Ishtar Big-Budget Stinker Award: JOHN CARTER
 

Most Gratuitous Use of Bathing Suits: PIRANHA 3DD
 

Best Film Most Likely to be Forgotten by the Academy: LOOPER



Most Insulting Tribute to the Horror Genre: THE CABIN IN THE WOODS



Least Insulting Tribute to the Horror Genre: PARANORMAN
 

The “Or How I Learned to Love a Bomb” Guilty Pleasure Award: ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER
 

The Grease 2 Unnecessary Sequel Award: MEN IN BLACK 3

The Come on People It’s Not That Bad Award: DARK SHADOWS


If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It Award: TOTAL RECALL


The Don’t You Forget About Me “This Came Out This Year??” Award: THE HUNGER GAMES



Coolest Movie Poster Award: LOOPER
 

Best Prop: The fried chicken drumstick, KILLER JOE
 

Worst Hairdo: Tommy Lee Jones, LINCOLN
 

Best Reason Not to Go to Thailand:  THE IMPOSSIBLE



Best Reason Not to Get Old: AMOUR

Best Attempt to Win an Oscar by Playing a Stripper: Matthew McConaughey, MAGIC MIKE

Best Comeback from a Previously Horrid Attempt at Filmmaking: Ridley Scott, PROMETHEUS

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