Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The 3rd Annual Golden Gallo Awards

The Oscar noms are out. The Razzie noms are out. And you know what that means?! No, its not time to strike! "STRIKE! STRIKE! WE WRITE THE STORIA FOR EVA LONGORIA!" It’s time for the Golden Gallos! Yes, it is the 3rd Annual Golden Gallo Awards which honor (and dishonor) the best and worst in movies. This has been a great year for film. Films like No Country For Old Men and Juno have been critical hits. And it's been a bad year for film (Here's lookin' at you 'I Know Who Killed Me' and 'Norbit'). And then there are all those other films in-between. So now, without further ado, I present to you the winners of the Golden Gallo Awards. Enjoy!

Best Revamping of a Dying Franchise: LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD

Best Performance by a Scientologist: John Travolta, HAIRSPRAY

The “What the Heck Were They Thinking” Award: EPIC MOVIE

Best Opening Credit Sequence: VACANCY

Best Closing Credit Sequence: HAIRSPRAY

Best Misleading Marketing Campaign: THE MIST

Scene Stealer Award: Sigourney Weaver, THE TV SET

The Trailer is Better Than the Movie Award: I’M NOT THERE

Most Gratuitous Use of Loin Cloths: 300

Best Film Most Likely to be Forgotten by the Academy: KNOCKED UP

The “Or How I Learned to Love a Bomb” Guilty Pleasure Award: I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

The Ishtar Big-Budget Stinker Award: THE INVASION

The Grease 2 Unnecessary Sequel Award: HANNIBAL RISING

If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It Award: HALLOWEEN

The Jaws 3D “I Only Wanted To See It Cause it Was in 3-D” Award: BEOWULF

Coolest Movie Poster Award: PARIS, JE T’AIME

Best Film with a Cast Member of TV’s Lost: GRINDHOUSE

Worst Film with a Cast Member of TV’s Lost: WILD HOGS

Best Prop: Javier Bardem’s cattle gun in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

Most Fashionable Movie Trend (Female) – Being pregnant

Most Fashionable Movie Trend (Male) – Being nerdy

Worst Hairdo (Male) Javier Bardem – NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

Worst Hairdo (Female) Cate Blanchett – I’M NOT THERE

The “Austin Powers” You Can’t Show Genitalia in Movies Award: BEOWULF

Best Performance by a Sex Doll – Bianca, LARS AND THE REAL GIRL


Worst Attempt to Cash in on the Over and Done With Penguin Craze – GOOD LUCK CHUCK

Best Use of the McGuffin in a Hollywood Blockbuster – The cube in TRANSFORMERS

Best Decapitation in a Comedy/Musical – BLADES OF GLORY

Best Comeback From a Previously Horrid Attempt at Filmmaking – Frank Darabont, THE MIST

The Julia Childs Best Film About Cooking Award: RATATOUILLE
The Chef Boyardee Worst Film About Cooking Award: NO RESERVATIONS
Best Female Performance by a Former ‘Golden Girls’ Guest Star: Ruby Dee, AMERICAN GANGSTER

Best Male Performance by a Former ‘Golden Girls’ Guest Star: George Clooney, MICHAEL CLAYTON

The "I Love You, But Please Enjoy You're Retirement ASAP" Lifetime Achievement Award: Morgan Freeman who appeared this year alone in THE CONTRACT, EVAN ALMIGHTY, FEAST OF LOVE, GONE BABY GONE, THE BUCKET LIST