Tuesday, January 31, 2006

1st Annual Golden Gallo Awards

The Oscar noms are out. The Razzie noms are out. And of course the winners of the Golden Gallos.

The Golden Globe Awards are silly. The Academy Awards are serious. Is Woody Allen justified in not wanting to attend either ceremony? Probably. In honor of movie award season I, as part of the Wannabe Film Critic Association, having nothing better to do with my time, have decided to honor a group of films by handing out my own worthless batch of pitifully meaningless awards.

I know what you’re thinking. What makes Mr. Gallo qualified to hand out his own batch of worthless awards? Well, having lived through 4 different presidencies, 2 Gulf Wars, the live O.J. Simpson white Bronco chase, 3 endless Lord of the Rings films, 5 Batman films and the cancellation of the E! Network’s Taradise, I can only say that I am a culturally and socially seasoned young man. The Oscars award the best in film and the Razzies award the worst. The Golden Gallos cover this that and everything in between. Now let’s get to the good stuff.

Here is a list of the winners of the 1st Annual (and by annual I mean if I even feel like doing this again next year) Golden Gallo Awards. May I have the envelope please? Please hold your applause until the end. In no particular order the awards go to…

The “I Did Everything for this Movie” Award: Robert Rodriguez for SIN CITY

Best Performance by a Female Wax Figure: Paris Hilton, HOUSE OF WAX

Best Performance by a Male Wax Figure: Burt Reynolds, THE LONGEST YARD

Most Exciting Domestic Quarrel: MR. & MRS. SMITH

Best Revamping of a Dying Franchise: BATMAN BEGINS

Best Ending to a Seemingly Endless Franchise: REVENGE OF THE SITH

Best Performance by a Scientologist: Tom Cruise, WAR OF THE WORLDS

The “What the Heck Were They Thinking” Award: THE MAN

Most Random Attack from CGI Deer: THE RING 2

Best Missed Opportunity to Use Lionel Richie’s “Hello” – The Thing meets a blind girl in a bar in FANTASTIC FOUR

Best Use of Lionel Richie’s “Hello” – Andy gets comfy in THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

The Completely Unbiased Best Use of Extras Award: WAR OF THE WORLDS

Best Opening Credit Sequence: CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

Best Closing Credit Sequence: THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

Best Music Montage Sequence: WEDDING CRASHERS

Best Comeback from a Previously Horrid Attempt at Filmmaking: West Craven, RED EYE

Best Misuse of a Pop Singer’s Name: Steve Carell shouting “Kelly Clarkson” in THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

Best Misleading Marketing Campaign: THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE

Scene Stealer Award: Anna Faris, JUST FRIENDS

Film Least Deserving of an Award, Even a Golden Gallo: CRY_WOLF

The Trailer is Better Than the Movie Award: FLIGHTPLAN

Most Surprising Use of the “69” Position in a Mainstream Film: A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE

Best Gratuitous Use of Bathing Suits: INTO THE BLUE

Best Head Explosion in a Domestic Drama: THE UPSIDE OF ANGER

The B.O. Box Office Award aka The “Who Financed This?” Award: A SOUND OF TUNDER

Worst Movie With a Cast Member of TV’s Lost: THE FOG

Best Movie With a Cast Member of TV’s Lost: CRASH

Most Disturbing Car Crash: STAY

Best Film Most Likely to be Forgotten by the Academy: JARHEAD

Most Disturbing Scene Involving Dirty Syringes: SAW II

Film Most Likely to Cause Suicide in Adults: CHICKEN LITTLE

The “Or How I Learned to Love a Bomb” Guilty Pleasure Award: THE ISLAND

Best Documentary About Penguins: MARCH OF THE PENGUINS

Corniest Line of Dialogue from Memoirs of a Geisha: “I want a life that is mine!”

The Ishtar Big-Budget Stinker Award: STEALTH

Coolest Movie Poster Award: LORD OF WAR

The Grease 2 Unnecessary Sequel Award: SON OF THE MASK

If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It Award: GUESS WHO

The Jaws 3D “I Only Wanted To See It Cause it Was in 3-D” Award: THE ADVENTURES OF SHARK BOY & LAVA GIRL

Golden Gallo Lifetime Achievement Award: Dakota Fanning

Award Least Likely to be Given Out for Real and Broadcast Live on TV: GOLDEN GALLO AWARDS

Congratulations to all the winners. Kind of. Their dedication, or for some their lack their of, towards the medium of filmmaking has made this world a better place. It also gives me something to do. See you all at the movies.


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